Weird Things on the River

Discussion in 'Fly Fishing Forum' started by Coach Duff, Oct 2, 2006.

  1. Okay, nowadays we deal with tweakers, mountain men, animals, god knows what. How about some stories about weird things we've seen on a river. UFOs and Bigfoot are okay. I've got a hundred, but here is one. Things have been too tense around site lately anyway. Bust out some good stuff and let's laugh a bit. Share your weirdest and wildest. Coach

    July 1996

    I pulled into Seapost on the NF of the Stilly at 4:45 am. (Something like that, it was July and the Sun was just starting. Still dark, BMNT for all you vets) It was a last minute decision to hit this bastard of a river. I was kicking ass on the SF of the Stilly around Red Bridge. Really kicking ass. I have no idea why I turned at the last minute to take my usual beating on the NF. If Zane Grey and Haig Brown hadn't caught their first steelehead in Deer Creek, I'd curse it daily. How do ya curse a river that Walt Johnson lived on? Well, ya can't. I had just gotten out of the Corps a year earlier and was living with a stripper. Substances were an issue in those days, so this entire story could be a vision brought on by heavy alcohol and whatever else I could snort or smoke, but I feel to this day that I saw this. So I am unpacking my gear on the far side of the bridge and so hung over that I lean against the full-size Bronco and realize something needs to be done. A ha! A beer! Hair of the dog baby! I grabbed a Rainer Pounder, opened the passenger side and sat down. Jane's Addiction was screaming the Mountain Song and the sun was waking up. It's rally time. Just then in the distance, I saw her. Walking down the dirt road, wearing that same fucking white dress Marylyn Monroe wore. Blond hair, white pumps and I could see her red nails. I immediately thought about that 12 step shit. Well there was another time I was on a bender and pulled out on 15th at the bottom of Queen Anne and saw elephants, zebras and lions walking down the street at 5 in the morning, but that was the straw the broke the camel's back. (I didn't know the circus was in town, that one took me weeks to get over) So anyway, she keeps walking, walking, walking. She's in no rush, she's strutting her stuff. I hear the "click, click, click" of those heels as she mounts the bridge. It's just me and her and the NF. Where is Enos Bradner when you need him. She's not bad looking I think, nice rack. This is where she makes her money boys. She smiles, turns, bends over and shows me the saddle patch. No undies at all. Actually it was more of a leach strip. She straightens, cocks her head, smiles and "click,click,click" off she goes. Back across the bridge and down the road. Gone. The memory lingering. I sat there drinking my beer for a long while, all by myself. I remember feeling both cursed and lucky at the same time. You know the whole, "I got to sober up. My life is a mess, My mom is proud of that stripper, is this what I learned in the Corps?" and finally after I regained some sanity and composure, "Now that's how ya start off a morning. Did you see that #$%^&?! I need another beer!" She was long gone when I realized excactly how those poor fuckers feel when they see Bigfoot. Who do ya tell? And not get a key to a rubber room?
    I got skunked that day, like the NF seems to do me. She doesn't give me much. But one summer morning she gave me the lady in white. Maybe now I know why Zane, Enos, Roderick, Walt and Wes loved it so.

    No animals were injured or abused in the telling of this story. True story
  2. Sweet deal Coach, strong writing. Never have seen a lady in white but did see 2 rather butch lezzies goin' at it on a local creek last year... for reals dude.

    I saw an Otter get a steelhead on a columbia tributary this spring. Its amazing how fast those things can move. They totally put the fishing off to.
  3. my buddy saw a beaver get killed by a river otter on his first date (a walk along the river) with this girl.
  4. Does this qualify?
  5. Damn! That's where my car ended up! I've been looking for it for ages!! :p

  6. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    bunny leech? MOAL? String Leech? :rofl: :rofl:

    nice choice in tunes Coach..............nothing better than some warbling Perry Farrel at 3 AM to get the waders on by. that same broad walked up to me at Swede Heaven bridge once asking for cigarettes, two splitshot and a sip of gatorade. I think her name is Fred. Rumor is "she" does a mean Joan Rivers impersonation.....................:rofl:

    :rofl: :rofl:
  7. Wish I could have been there ! I had an experience one time while riding my bike down by Green Lake. I rounded the corner and this blue van comes right up beside me and and there is the woman sitting in the passenger seat "Buck Naked" ! with these well lets say very Healthy breasts ! as I began to ogle her I ran off the road and almost into a stop sign. Man that was nice :eek: !
  8. What a classy post.

    Just what I love when I go outdoors to fly fish...


    This board.

  9. Well Gris, I had a story about searun cutthroat fishing on Vashon Island, in a tidal creek and how I saw a man with a long beard, dress and huge breasts casting a spoon with two other transexuals, but I thought that was too much. You're from Vashon Griz, maybe that one would have brought smile to your face. Sorry if you were offended. Coach
    PS That bearded lady was painting that creek with that spoon like Bill Herzog! Unbelievable! :thumb:
  10. On the Grand Ronde last winter I had a deer jump into the river upstream of me, float down some rapids, and get out of the river on the same side. I stood very still and she came within 20 yards of me. It looked like she jumped in for the fun of it. seemed strange to me.
  11. Great post Coach. Hard to beat that one. Great writing and better choice of tunes.

    I have a book to recommend to you of short essays and stories written my fly-fisher writers. It's called "Seasons of the Angler". forgot who the editor is.. but you'd love it. I had a hard time putting it down.

    Griswald, ain't the 1st amendment great? It was almost 20 years ago.. give the guy a break.

  12. The first amendment is great, and ever since my facisnation with U.S. Constititional History began at age 7 (Undergrad degree in Colonial American History to boot) I have always marvelled at how well people can use this "right" to demonstrate to the rest of the world how truly exceptional their intellect and vocabulary can be.

    I enjoy a fun read but all you newbs are having a difficult time here...

    Look up some posts from the masters...Ray Healers, Lawless, Sparse, Alpine,OMJ, SeaRun, Leland, Triggs, Mingo... they really write well. (those who are still left)

    Lex, Duff, no hard feelings. Enjoy the wilderness your way, really.

  13. Gris, sorry but offence is taken. Your sarcasm and passive aggressive insults on one's intelligence and vocabulary should be above such a learned man as you claim to be. I have a degree in Molecular Biology not writing or history.

    Also, don't assume I party on the river. I have a tremendous respect for Nature and doing so would detract from my over all experience and connection. See my thread I started today.

    Try practicing being open-minded and leave your condescension off.
  14. Griz, I like the ass-kissing job ya did by trying to rally up anybody who you think is anybody to come to your aid on your post. Les is a former Marine and knows full well what sleepless nights and self-medication are. If not first hand, than some of his Marine Corps brothers. He did Korea in a Recon outfit and I did Desert Shield/Storm, and 18 months in Somalia in Force Recon. The bottom line is Tom Darling, Les, Roy Morris, and a whole bunch of guys brought me back to society by sharing stretches of river and stories and understanding. I was out there a little bit. Those guys are masters. Thanks boys. Everytime I walk into a river sober, which is everytime now, you guys are on my mind. Griz the bigger picture is what this sport is all about. Good times and bad, fish or no fish, high or low water. It's about the journery. Some of us stray away, some of don't make it back. But we all know, the fellas are there waiting for us when we need em the most. That front seat in the drift boat is always open. Even for us uneducated, foul-language speaking half-crazy combat vets. My wife and kids know who all of you are and thank you. I am privledged to be in this fraternity. Tight lines Coach :beer2:
    Now how about some weird shit!
  15. iagree with lex regarding the Griz
  16. "Things have been too tense around site lately anyway. Bust out some good stuff and let's laugh a bit. Share your weirdest and wildest"

    Can't we all just get along?
  17. Other than the usual naked people sunning themselves on the sky. I had an incident happen to me two years ago driving out to the OP. I posted it then and I'll reprint for kicks and giggles.

    Sunday night, I left work and caught the Ferry at 10:30. I really love driving out to the OP late at night when there is no other traffic. Hardly any cars all the way out to Lake Crescent. I love that section along the lake, when it's empty and dark. I was almost to the end, staying between 35 and 45, when I noticed headlights behind me and they were coming up on me fast. I can keep up with most of the locals on that road, but this guy had me dead to rights, so I pulled over at the next turnout. State Patrol went flying by me. I tried to keep up with him, but he was doing about five miles an hour faster than I like for that road. When we hit the straight away, he was gone like a rocket, see ya.

    Kept driving about 65 to 70 and I noticed two bright flashes in the sky. Oh great, lightning and it was starting to drizzle. Come up on the Old odometer check point, mile 1, and checked my odometer to keep track. Looked up and GEEZUZ, this Elk was laying on the other side of the road. Started to slow down and noticed a white blur on the right side of the road, in the dirt. It was the WSP car, upside down and pointing in the opposite direction of travel. Hit the brakes and backed up to his car. I'm just fixing to get out and this bloody, dirty patrolman comes up to my window. "Have you got a flash light?" he says. Hell yeah, but that is all, no dressings, gauze wrap or saline. No first aid kit, no flares, but I had a flash light. "Are you OK?" He says, "I think I might need some medical attention. "Well" I said, "I just happened to be a nurse, let me check you out." He had multiple lacerations to both his arms, several above his face and a couple on the back of his head. One rather deep cut at the occipital that was already started to swell. I did some neuro checks and his pupils were equal and reactive. He was standing and moving his arms so his muscular-skeletal was OK, which was a fricking miracle after I got a closer look at the car. "I think your going to be alright" I said. "Thanks, I'd shake your hand, but I'll get blood on ya." I said, "Don't worry, my hands have touched a lot worse than blood." We shook hands. "I'm Matt." "I'm Alan."

    About that time, a chip truck come barreling down the road, back toward Crescent Lake. I waved my flash light as the elk was still in the road. He didn't even slow down. He hit that elk mid torso with all the tires on the left side of his tractor-trailer and kept right on going. That elk lifted the cab of his truck three feet and he didn't even stop. Alan said, "We better get that elk off the road." We got over to it and it was still breathing. Alan unsnapped the holster of his belt and started to pull his weapon out. I thought, holy crap, first she gets hit with a patrol car, then a chip truck and now that dumb elk was really in for it. It was time for a little Washington State payback. Alan says, "Maybe I shouldn't expend a round." I told him her breathing was really autonomic anyway. Just muscular movement without any real inspiratory volume. He says, "I've been kicked pretty hard by these." "She is a long way from kicking anybody, lets do it" I said. We moved her off the road.

    Then another vehicle came up on us and stopped by where we had just moved the elk. It was a guy in a beat up truck that looked like it had taken out a few elk in its time. In typical local fashion, this fella says, "Man, that is a lot of steak laying there." We went over and started to check out the patrol car. After the elk had gone through the windshield, Alan had lost control of the vehicle and went off the road. His right front must have grabbed the dirt, spinning and flipping his car. The ass end of his beautiful patrol car, sheared off the power pole about ten feet off the ground, breaking it in two places. There were power lines laying all over his car. I couldn't believe he crawled out of it alive. A Callalum county sheriff finally pulled up and took the burden of being in charge off my shoulders. I did a couple more neuro checks every five to ten minutes until I knew that an aid car was more than halfway there. I knew Alan would be OK and said I needed to get on down the road to the Oxbow. Alan was very thankful. We exchanged phone numbers and he said we would stay in touch. He knew a lot of guides and was going to hook me up. We said good bye and off I went. A couple minutes later, the aid car from Forks went by and I was keeping an eye out for wildlife. I was doing about 65 and had just passed the bridge by Sapho when a deer ran out in front of me. Hit the brakes and just missed it. It just kind of aimlessly meandered off the road. I drove 45 all the way to the Oxbow after that.
  18. Matt, I remember when you originally posted that story. Good thing you were driving by.

    Have you talked to Alan since?
  19. I once had a beaver rise and try to take my fly! Other than that, nothing to compare with the other stories. I also had a dear run into the back of my car. That was interesting. He addmitted liability and ran off.

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